True Lies
by notenoughpotter
Summary: When she reached rock-bottom after losing Damon, Elena made a choice. A choice she now regrets…or at least she thinks she does. Now she's faced with a web of memories that aren't her own. Will she be able to fix the damage she's caused? Will Damon let her? (season 6 compliant)
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: Whoa. New story. I don't anticipate this one being super-long…perhaps four chapters or so. I know I still have a kind-of-canon season 6 story going, and I promise I'll get back to it. It's just kind of a complex plot to be working on mid-deadline. As for this one – it's just kind of one of those plot bunnies that just won't go away, so I gave in.

This is the prologue. If y'all have read many of my stories, y'all know the drill. Prologue = short. The next chapters will be longer.

Warnings: angst, alcohol use, mild language, possible character death

I don't own TVD. I just borrow the characters on occasion. I'll put them back later, I promise.

* * *

><p>Damon stared into her face. The face that he'd dreamed about every night over the last four months. The memory of that face had filled his every waking moment. He stared at her face as she stood in the hallway, one hand on the door, the not-quite relaxed at her side.<p>

His eyes met hers.

Those endless depths. Pools of liquid chocolate. In what seemed like a lifetime ago, he'd watched the pupils dilate as she rode a wave of ecstasy beneath him. He'd seen those same eyes narrow to slits, casting daggers of anger in his direction. Those eyes had looked at him with so much love and desire and pleading, he'd turned into a different person from who he'd been when he arrived in Mystic Falls.

But now?

Nothing.

As he looked into her eyes, he saw nothing reflected back. Instead of love or adoration or even hate – she was looking at him with the same blankness that she might use when passing a stranger at the corner.

But she wasn't gone. She hadn't turned it off. He'd seen the spark of life when she'd spoken to future-doctor-cocky-pants. He'd watched her anger flare when he'd taken the opportunity to compel the annoying gnat into going and getting her a drink, her least favorite, he had to admit. And he'd seen the momentary look of desperation right before she almost killed herself in an effort to undo the damage she'd done to herself by choice.

She didn't almost kill herself to remember him. She just wanted to fix things. She didn't remember how much she'd loved him. She wasn't suffering.

Tonight he'd seen the glimmer of the promise of what her future would have been like if he and Stefan had never come to Mystic Falls. He'd seen what her life might have been like without Katherine's involvement. If she'd grown up, the child of privilege, following in her father's footsteps.

She had a future without him.

Even if he couldn't see one without her.

So he did what he had to do. He listened to her question. He heard the almost pleading edge to her voice, asking what happened that night. What happened on the very best night of his very long life. She was begging to know the answer.

And he lied to her face.

For an instant, a shadow of suspicion colored her eyes. But then it was gone. Just like she disappeared through the doorway.

He turned, knowing this would be the last time he'd walk down this hallway. He passed the pay phone she must have used the day Katherine had almost killed her. He looked beyond the hallway where she killed Jesse to save his life. He deliberately dodged the bottom two stairs where they once shared a very memorable goodbye when he'd driven up to surprise her one night she sounded homesick.

As he walked through her dorm which held a surprising number of memories for him, he knew it held none for her…or at least none of the real ones.

And it never would.

* * *

><p>Elena quietly shut the door behind her, knowing her attempt was a lost cause. When your roommate was a vampire, the whole concept of sneaking in past curfew was a lost cause, even if you could compel the monitor at the front door to forget the rule infraction.<p>

Sneaking wasn't necessary, though.

Caroline sat on the edge of her bed, staring into the last glowing embers in the fireplace. Without turning to look at Elena, she spoke in little more than a whisper. "Liam came by."

"Oh."

"He was worried."

"Oh."

Caroline spun to face her. Elena had been prepared to see a flash of anger. A flare of the Caroline-Forbes-fire she remembered so distinctly from high school. But there was nothing. "He was worried about you. He said you started acting funny when Damon showed up. He thought Damon might have made you do something you didn't want to do."

A surge of guilt flowed through her. Elena hadn't even thought to explain what happened between her and Damon to Liam. She just wanted to leave, and they left. Trying to explain why she was ducking out on the mandatory event with a guy she'd said was dead and now showed up, expecting her to be overjoyed, but she actually didn't remember…it was just exhausting as it sounded. And so she'd just left without saying a word.

"What did you tell him?"

Caroline paused, staring down at her hands, shifting uncomfortably as she considered her words. "I told him Damon wouldn't do anything to hurt you."

Elena bit back the words of surprise that threatened to explode out of her. For a moment, she wondered if Alaric had compelled Caroline too. "How do you know that?"

"Because it's Damon. And you're you."

"What does that even mean?" Elena felt the same panic welling up inside of her that she'd felt earlier that night on the Mystic Falls border.

"It means…." Caroline's teeth clamped down on her lip. "It means it's a long story." She met Elena's eyes with a look that begged her not to have to explain anything more. "Where did you go?"

"I needed some air."

"For three hours?"

"We went for a drive."

"And?" Caroline's eyes looked strangely hopeful.

"And." Part of Elena wanted to tell her what she'd done. What she'd almost done. She wanted to let Caroline know just how desperate she was…that she'd marched across the town boundary and almost drowned in her attempt to bring the memories back. But then she studied Caroline's face and saw the depth of sadness already there, and she knew that somehow…in some way…she was the one who caused it. And that made her think about Damon.

And the words he'd said to her at the door.

At the way he'd lied to her face.

The depth of sadness in his eyes.

She couldn't hurt Caroline tonight too.

"And nothing." She lied. "I didn't feel anything."

* * *

><p>From here on out, the chapters will be longer. Thanks for reading! If all goes well, chapter one will go up tomorrow.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

Author's note: Here's chapter one. Chapter two will hopefully be up sometime next week, but the young ones are on holiday, so I can't promise anything. I hope you enjoy it!

Warnings: language, alcohol use, Stefan

* * *

><p>Caroline's lips formed a thin line. Her forehead wrinkled as she continued to stare at Elena from across the room. "Are you sure you're alright?"<p>

Elena nodded, running her fingers through her hair, pulling it over her shoulder. "It's just been a long day. I think I'm going to take a shower."

"Sure." Caroline continued to look at her with an expression suggesting she thought Elena was about to break…or worse.

Elena didn't want to dwell on what she must have done to warrant this kind of careful inspection from Caroline. As she gathered her basket with her shower supplies, she had to admit that everyone had been walking around her like they'd been stepping on broken glass. But not just since Damon came back. The odd behavior started earlier.

Still thinking back on just when she noticed it, she walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower. They'd been acting weird for weeks, if she had to admit it. Studying her. Watching her. Scarcely leaving her alone.

Caroline even sat with her while she waited for Liam to meet her for coffee.

Only one conclusion made sense. They were afraid to leave her alone. Afraid of what she'd do – to herself…or were they afraid she'd hurt someone else? She stepped into the stream of warm water, and with each passing moment, her thoughts grew more troubled.

She thought back on the note she'd written herself in her journal. If she ever wrote a note to herself as she prepared to make some sort of life-altering decision again, she definitely needed to be less cryptic. What if the note wasn't saying she was lucky to have the chance for a fresh start? What if…

Why would Ric have compelled the memories away in the first place?

What had she turned into when she lost Damon?

A fresh wave of fatigue washed over her. Five days ago, she was on the cusp of having everything she wanted. Or at least she thought it was what she wanted. Without her memories, how did she even know herself?

Steam wrapped around her in the shower, and she relaxed into the welcome warmth. She tipped her face up into the water, trying to fight the urge to panic, trying to just relax. Whatever had happened in the past was the past. It was gone. It couldn't help her or hurt her any longer. It was all gone.

Even Damon.

She tried not to think about the look in his eyes tonight as he'd stood at the door. The hollow shadow of sadness was unfamiliar. The man she'd been with tonight hadn't been the same one who'd stood in her doorway, drunk, after just snapping her brother's neck.

What changed?

Unbidden, snippets of conversations over the past few days flowed into her head. She'd wanted Damon to take her to the last place she'd told him she loved him. And so he'd taken her to the edge of town. A place where they'd experienced something that Damon replayed his head countless times while he was trapped and alone.

A memory of a meteor shower that didn't happen. A memory of them getting wet and muddy. A memory of Elena getting upset and just wanting to go home.

That made no sense. When he'd first mentioned the memory while they were dancing. He was smiling. Would a night like that make him smile?

She tipped her face up, letting the water ease her tense muscles.

And then she wasn't in the shower any longer. She was standing back on the edge of town. Darkness enveloped her like she was wrapped in black velvet. But she wasn't alone.

Damon sat on the hood of his car, smiling. Those infinitely blue eyes looked at her, crinkling at the edges in full amused-smirk-mode. The first drops of warm rain pelted them.

She heard herself laugh.

And then so did he.

"I don't think we're going to see any shooting stars."

"We have to."

But even as she said it, the rain picked up. What was a few raindrops turned into a deluge. He raised an eyebrow, even as he squinted through the downpour.

"Tell you what. I'll make sure to bring you back during the next meteor shower."

Elena couldn't hide her disappointment. "But that won't be for 100 years."

He slid off the hood of the car, reaching for her waist. His hand found skin between where her shirt met the waistband of her jeans. His lips curled as he cocked his head to the side, leaning down closer to her face. She felt his breath on her cheek.

And nothing.

She couldn't remember anything else.

The memory stopped, dead in its tracks. Just like she almost was when she was drowning on the border before Damon pulled her back. If she'd only had 30 more seconds…or even 20…she would have known what came next.

The only thing she was certain of was that she didn't seem mad, they weren't muddy, and it didn't appear that they'd immediately jumped in to the car.

Even in the warmth of the shower, Elena felt cold. He'd lied to her. He'd lied to her, and she didn't fully understand why.

* * *

><p>Damon sat on the hood of his car, miles from nowhere. His hand slid over the hood – not a single dent or scratch. He didn't know Stefan had it in him. Even after all these years, he still had moments where he realized how little he knew about Stefan and what made him tick.<p>

When his brother tossed him the keys without a word of explanation, Damon had been stunned into silence. He'd never thought he'd get behind the wheel again. At least not in the present. He loved this car.

He hated this car. Not quite five months ago, he sat behind the wheel, and Elena slid into the passenger seat beside him. As they sped to their certain deaths, he felt the warmth of her hand in his and that made everything okay.

He'd give anything to feel that again.

The way her hand molded perfectly inside his. The way she seemed to know just how to hold onto him. The smoothness beneath his thumb when he didn't even realize he was stroking her. In all his years on this earth, he'd never found his matching puzzle piece. At least not until he met Elena.

And now she was broken.

And so was he.

He looked up at the sky and downed the last of the bourbon he'd brought with him, trying not to think about how many bottles littered the back seat of the car, destined for the recycle bin later. If he'd been human, he'd have been in the emergency room by now. Of course, if he'd been human, he would have been buried almost a century ago, probably as a nameless soldier on a battlefield somewhere.

Bleeding to death from a war wound would have been less painful than what he was enduring now.

He wanted to kill someone. He wanted to go off into some tiny town and leave it without a single citizen left standing. But he wouldn't, that was Stefan's thing, and Damon had never been that messy or that careless.

At least he wanted to go kill someone. Tear into a vein and feel the life trickling down his throat as it left its owners.

But he couldn't do that either.

Because as much as he hated it, he wasn't that guy anymore. Whether or not she remembered it, Elena had made an indelible stamp on his life. He'd always veered left, and she made him turn right. She brought him back into the fold of humanity. He might have been kicking and screaming. He might have had some hiccups along the way. But the damage was done.

He wasn't that kind of monster anymore.

His time with Elena had changed him. And Bonnie had seen it. That's why she made sure he was able to come back, even when it meant she'd be staying behind with a real monster.

No. He couldn't do what every instinct in his body longed to do in order to lash out…to forget…to make himself not feel anymore.

He owed that much to Bonnie.

And to Elena, even if she didn't remember it.

A car rolled up behind him, slowed, then parked. He was only half-surprised when Ric stepped out from the driver's seat. "You okay?"

"How the hell did you find me?"

Ric held up his phone, inclining it in Damon's direction. "Used your _Find my iPhone_ ap."

"Remind me to change my password on my computer."

"Yeah. _Elena _wasn't that hard to guess."

"Probably should think of a new one anyway." Damon hadn't been able to stomach logging on to his computer since he'd come back. Even typing the password to his computer reminded him of her.

"Probably." Ric approached the car with the appropriate amount of hesitation for a non-vampire not currently wearing a Gilbert Ring of Supernatural Salvation who'd also ticked off a vampire.

"What brings you out here?"

"Thought I'd come see how you're doing."

"Tonight?"

"Well, I saw you at the dance." Ric unscrewed the lid from the bottle of bourbon. "And I saw you leave with Elena." He took a swig from the bottle, not even bothering with a glass. "And then Caroline called me. She heard your conversation in the hallway."

"And what did Little Miss Eavesdropper have to say?"

"That you lied to Elena." Ric nudged him with the bottle.

Damon ignored Ric's attempt at a peace offering. "Is that any worse than forgetting every memory of someone's existence?"

"She doesn't forget you existed. She just doesn't remember the good parts."

"Ah. And that makes it so much better."

Ric took another drink. Then he looked up at the sky. Then he took a breath. From the pensive look on his face, Damon could tell he was trying to decide something. Probably trying to figure out how to explain turning Damon's girlfriend's memory into something that resembled Swiss cheese gone bad. "It was killing her. You being gone."

"We've covered that."

"No." Ric downed enough of the bourbon that wouldn't be safe to drive for a while. "Trust me. We haven't." He swallowed again, clearly troubled by whatever memory played in his head. "She wasn't just sad, Damon."

"I saw her after…everything happened. I remember." If Damon lived to be 500, he'd never forget those moments after everything went wrong. Listening to Elena. Hearing her beg him to come back. Hearing every tear-filled plea. Her voice breaking as she sobbed. Watching _her _break as she accused him of breaking his promise to come back to her.

Knowing she'd been right.

As much as the tender memories they'd shared filled his days, the pain from those too-long-but-still-too-short minutes haunted his nights. "Trust me. I remember."

Ric kindly ignored the fact Damon's voice cracked on those last words. Either that or he was too drunk to notice. "There's something you need to know, Damon."

"And that would be?"

"I was there when she lost Jeremy. I heard you compel her to turn it off. I watched her burn her house down."

"Do you have a point?"

"She was worse after she lost you." Ric paused to let his words sink in. "She was off the rails. She'd convinced Luke to give her some kind of witch drugs so she could still see you and talk to you."

"She what?"

"She was taking drugs to talk to a hallucination of you. And when she was on them, she was out of her mind. The only reason she didn't kill the last girl was Caroline showed up."

"She was…"

"She was out of control. And she couldn't stop. Even when she wanted to."

"Let me get this straight. My girlfriend was doing witch-herbs, and everyone was okay with it?"

Ric's pulse began to pound faster. "That's the other part of the problem. Damon, she was alone."

Silence fell between them.

"She didn't have anyone left to notice. Bonnie was gone. Jeremy was…well, he was being Jeremy. Caroline was spending the summer with her mom. I'm not proud of it, but I didn't notice either. I was so wrapped up in my own stuff…trying to figure out how to be a vampire, I didn't notice."

Damon rounded on Ric in the darkness, happy his friend probably couldn't see his face. Because if he'd been able to, Ric would have probably been afraid. And Damon wouldn't have blamed him. At that moment, he wanted nothing more than to lash out. Elena was that out of control? And no one had bothered to mention it to him? "And what about Stefan?"

"Stefan left her too."

* * *

><p>Elena approached the door to the coffee shop and felt oddly out of sorts. Her day at the hospital had just felt off, and not simply because Liam had been playing a game of keep away. The more she wanted to talk, the more she wanted to get things off her chest, the more it seemed he just stayed away.<p>

Part of her couldn't blame him. Part of her was honestly glad. Because most of her knew that she didn't have a clue what to say or how to explain the fact that the man she'd told him had died actually showed up at the event … and then she left with him.

Even though almost a week had passed, she hadn't figured out how to explain that one. And Liam had oddly ended up with a schedule that had been completely opposite hers since then.

She suspected involvement from Jo. Maybe it was for the best.

The bells on the door gave a happy jingle as she closed the door to the shop. The bells were definitely in a better mood than she was. She scanned the room for Caroline…and found Damon.

He held a single finger up in greeting, nodding slowly in her direction. "Let me guess," he spoke as she approached the table, "Caroline invited you for coffee."

"You too?"

"Yep."

Elena looked at Damon, continuing the awkward almost-dance she'd had with him at Ric's two nights ago and when Stefan invited her for drinks at the bar last night. She was going to have to start texting Damon to see if he'd received duplicate invitations if her friends…their friends kept this up.

So far, she'd managed to avoid actually interacting with Damon. He'd excused himself when she arrived for dinner with Jo and Ric. And she'd kept right on walking past the bar when she'd seen Damon sitting next to his brother.

But something in his face just now made her stay.

Elena approached the table with the same wariness she'd use on a blind date, and the irony wasn't lost on her.

It didn't appear to be lost on him either. "Don't tell me. Caroline texted you?"

Elena held up her phone and nodded. "She wanted to meet for coffee. I thought that was odd, considering I literally see her every night."

"And every morning, I suppose."

"Basically."

"So."

"So."

So they'd been reduced to small talk. Even worse than that, it appeared they'd gotten all the way down to single syllables.

"How are your classes?"

"How's it going at Ric's?"

The two sentences collided and neither really answered.

"Go ahead." Damon inclined his head in her direction. "I'd like to know. How are your classes going?"

"They're fine. Semester exams were last week."

"Did you study hard?"

"Yeah. Caroline made us a schedule."

Damon laughed under his breath. "Of course she did." His blue eyes locked with hers. "How's Future Doctor Wonderful?"

Elena shrugged, shaking her head. "I wouldn't know. I haven't seen him since the incident."

"The incident?"

"Since I left the dinner with my boyfriend that I said was dead."

"Boyfriend?" God, Elena hated that Damon looked like an excited puppy when he asked the question.

"Former boyfriend," she corrected herself.

An awkward silence fell between them. She'd been on blind dates that were less-terrible than this. Or at least she thought she had. "How are things with Ric?"

"Good. We put up the Christmas tree last night."

"Not quite a week until Christmas. Y'all are cutting it close."

Damon seemed to be looking anywhere that wasn't at her. "Well, neither of us were too excited about it this year, but he wanted a tree because Jo said something about it."

"Christmas is her favorite holiday."

Damon snuck a glance in her direction. "Mine too." He swallowed with an expression suggesting he'd overstepped his boundaries. Flashing a smile that would still a supermodel in her tracks, he laughed. "Of course, Ric and I fought over the lights."

Elena echoed his smile. "Why?"

"We couldn't decide on the lights. Ric wanted colored."

"Colored lights? I like white…"

"Because they remind you of growing up. Your mom always put white lights on the tree. They made her think of the icicles on her grandma's house on Christmas morning."

"That's right." Elena stiffened, suddenly uncomfortable. He knew her stories better than she did.

Damon seemed to sense it. "How about I go get us some coffee? If one of us doesn't order soon, I think the barista is going to kick us out."

As soon as Damon left the table, Elena wanted to run. What was Caroline thinking, sending her here to meet with Damon? Why didn't she just tell her that she thought she should talk with him? Why the invitation?

But even as she asked herself the question, she knew the answer. Caroline knew Elena wouldn't have gone.

Almost as soon as he'd left, he was back. He slid a mug in front of her. "Café mocha. Double the mocha. Hold the whip. Extra hot."

Elena didn't even try to hide her stunned expression. "That's what I always order. Or I think it is. When I went to the old book store, the guy behind the counter made it for me before I could even order."

"It's your favorite."

"But how do you know?"

"The old book store across from the English building. The one that has the display of Dickens books in the window?" He waited for her answering nod. "Because I was there the first time you had it. Jace, that's his name, he was trying to create a signature drink one day we went there. You love to go there on days that it rains. You like the way the old books smell mixed with the scent of the rain…and the coffee. He made the drink for you, and you've never ordered anything different since."

Elena stared at him, not sure what to say. "I…don't remember that."

"I know a lot about you, Elena."

She nodded. "I can see that."

"And I know why you did it."

Elena sipped her coffee, trying to fight back the urge to panic. She could hear her own pulse pounding in her ears. Whenever she thought too much about what she did…and what she lost…and what she'd never get back, it was almost overwhelming. Just as she almost surrendered to the panic, his hand took hold of hers.

With a practiced ease of a motion he'd done a thousand times before, his thumb stroked the back of her hand. Her heart reacted almost instantly, slowing into a steadier rhythm, and she could breathe again.

How did a simple touch calm her instantly?

For the first time that night, her eyes held his. "I don't." She sniffed, fighting back the wave of tears that wanted to come. "I don't remember why I did it."

"I know." She was lost in the intensity of his gaze. "But we'll get through this. I promise you, we'll figure out a way."

"How do you know?"

His grip tightened on hers, and for a moment, they were the only two people in the coffee shop. "Because that's what we do. No matter what. We always survive."


	3. Chapter 3

Elena's fingers made contact with the winding staircase bannister. She'd been preparing for this moment since she was old enough to attend the Miss Mystic Falls pageant as a Junior Miss. Back then, her mother tucked baby's breath into her carefully curled ringlets while telling her daughter about all the past pageants. The time one of the girls tripped and fell the whole way down the stairs. The time a girl forgot the dance and ended up freezing on the dance floor. The time her mother had won.

Winning the Miss Mystic Falls pageant was a family tradition. Her mother won. Her grandmother had won. And Elena was expected to win because that's just what her mother's family did.

Growing up, she fully expected to follow in their high heeled-footsteps. She'd enter, impress the judges, and wait for the crown atop her head.

But now, standing at the top of the stairs, she had her doubts. Serious doubts. When she'd met with the judges, her best reason for being named Miss Mystic Falls was just her family legacy. The past year of dealing with her parents' deaths coupled with dating a vampire…and just trying to stay alive in Mystic Falls had left her a little – distracted.

Now it was time to focus. She was a Gilbert. She was her mother's daughter. She'd trained for this very second for as long as she could remember, maybe longer.

"Elena Gilbert," Carol Lockwood's voice carried up through the faint murmur of the crowd.

Elena's stomach did an uncomfortable flip flop. She knew her hair wasn't right. It wasn't how her mother would have done it. And Stefan was a little unstable at the moment. What if he forgot the dance?

It was now or never. She took a breath, tried to summon the poise she so often saw in her mother, and stepped down the first stair. And the second. And the third. It wasn't until the fourth step that she sensed something wasn't right.

Glancing down to the ground, a guy she hardly new was looking up at her with an uncomfortable expression on his face. He wasn't her escort. He was part of the next pairing. She slowed, half-expecting Stefan to appear out of nowhere.

He was here. She'd seen him. They'd even argued.

Right now, he should be standing at the bottom of the stairs, waiting for her.

She kept walking, hoping she didn't appear as flustered as she felt. Where was Stefan?

Her pounding pulse echoing in her ears blocked out the sound of the music from the orchestra outside. The only thing she could hear was the growing murmur from the crowd. Her eyes sought out Stefan, but she only found –

Damon.

With a ghost of a smile that told him to trust her, he confidently too his brother's place at the foot of the stairs. She reached his side, and his hand wrapped around hers. His thumb skimmed the back of her hand, and she felt her pulse react immediately.

It was going to be alright. Damon was here.

And then she blinked.

And he was gone.

She was alone in the foyer. Everyone was looking at her while she searched the room for Stefan. Jenna met her eyes with an expression of shock and confusion that was only a tiny hint of what Elena was feeling. If she stood there any longer, she wasn't going to be able to hold herself together any longer.

All the founding family members were staring. The Junior Miss Mystic contestants were staring. The waiters stopped serving champagne and stood staring. Even the orchestra missed a beat.

Carol Lockwood's eyes fixed on Elena, for once, the mayor's wife seemed at a loss for words.

Elena stood alone for the span of three more panicked, embarrassed breaths, and she bolted out the front door.

Elena sat upright in bed, her pulse pounded in her ears as she fought for a breath. It had been ages since she'd thought about that disastrous day. Months since she'd replayed that horrible moment. Almost a year since the memory haunted her sleep.

Memories...

Another memory rippled over her. This one much more recent than the Miss Mystic Falls pageant. Damon was dancing with her. He was trying to get her to remember things she'd chosen to forget. He said he'd been there that day.

Stefan had left her alone.

But Damon had come to her rescue.

At least that's what he said. And for an instant in her dream, he was there.

She just couldn't remember it.

A far-too-familiar wave of panic rushed through her, and she fought to hold onto the tenuous grasp she had on her emotions. She couldn't just stay in bed. She needed to _know._

Thankful that Caroline decided to sleep…who knows where, she ran to the closet and tugged out the box of memories she'd left for herself. She carried the box back to the bed and flicked on the light. She didn't know what she was looking for, since she'd already looked through each picture, read each word in her journal, ran her hand over every item of clothing in a futile attempt to trigger something.

But she kept looking…because she needed to know what was real.

* * *

><p>And that's still where she was when Caroline walked through the door long after the sun came up…closer to lunch-time than to breakfast. From the frazzled expression on her face mixed with the smattering of pine needles and tinsel in her hair, Elena gathered that her roommate had been involved with Operation Perfect Friend-Mas rather than any other type of <em>extracurricular <em>activities overnight.

"Are you alright?" Elena spoke to her roommate's back as Caroline crossed the room and immediately jerked a blood bag out of the mini-fridge.

"Of course I'm alright." Caroline spun around, and her face changed from annoyed to level-10-concerned. "But do I need to be asking you the same question?"

"I'm fine."

"You aren't even dressed. How long have you been awake?"

Something in the hesitant way she asked the question set Elena's nerves on end. She was tired of people acting like she was a porcelain doll or something. "I said I'm fine."

Caroline took a long breath, finished the blood bag in one unladylike gulp, and pulled a chair up next to Elena's bed. "And that's general code for the fact that you're definitely _not _alright." Her eyes scanned the contents of the bed before fixing on Elena's face, obviously taking in the circles Elena knew had to be under her eyes and the fact that Elena hadn't even bothered to brush out her hair yet. "You don't really look fine."

Elena held up her hands in defeat. "I had a dream."

"Was it a nightmare?"

"No." Elena shook her head. Her fingers fidgeted with the edges of the journal in her lap of their own accord. "I just…I just don't understand."

"Understand what?"

"That night at Whitmore's pre-med thing. When I was talking to Damon. He said something."

Caroline raised an eyebrow in response but didn't say a word.

"Damon told me he was my escort at the Miss Mystic Falls pageant."

Caroline visibly relaxed. "That's because he was."

Elena's heart skipped a beat. "He was. But… No." She ran her fingers through her tangled hair. "No. I remember. I do. I know what happened that day. I went down the stairs, but Stefan had gone off the rails. I was supposed to have Stefan with me, but he didn't show up. I went down the stairs, but no one was there. I was alone."

"Damon wouldn't leave you alone."

If Elena hadn't been a vampire, she probably wouldn't have heard Caroline's response. As it was, Elena halfway questioned her hearing.

Caroline looked at her, her lips forming a tight line. "Damon was your escort, Elena. He saw that Stefan was gone, and he wouldn't let you be embarrassed like that. He met you at bottom of the stairs and then he danced with you."

"I was at the dance?"

"It'll be easier this way." Caroline stood, brushing off the last remaining springs of tinsel from her sweater. She walked to her desk and pulled a photo album out of the bottom drawer. Pages flicked by under her fingers, and Elena could see ticket stubs mixed with ribbons and newspaper clippings. She stopped on one and almost flinched.

Turning back to face Elena, she forced a smile. "See."

Elena saw. She saw herself in a picture she didn't recall posing for. The group of Miss Mystic Falls contestants with their escorts. Elena almost didn't even recognize herself. She was beaming. Her cheeks were flushed. And she was holding Damon's hand.

"He really was your escort."

"I…don't remember." Elena's thumb hooked on the bottom corner of the page.

"Obviously." Caroline carefully picked the book up out of Elena's lap, smoothing the page before Elena could bend it. "I guess it must have been one of _the _memories.

"_The _memories?" Elena deliberately echoed Caroline's inflection.

"When Alaric compelled you, it was kind of hit or miss. I think he tried several different memories."

"Why?"

"He was trying to find the one where you fell in love with Damon."

"And I thought that might have been the time. But…I was still with Stefan then."

"If it makes you feel any better, that wasn't it."

"But I thought it was."

"Yeah. You did."

"I really loved him."

"You did." Caroline came back to the chair, shifting uneasily as she sat opposite her friend. "And I know you were mad that I set you up with him the other night, but I had to give the two of you a chance."

"But you _hate_ Damon."

"I did. Now…it's complicated." Caroline hesitated, apparently trying to decide exactly how to word what came next. "I saw the two of you together, and trust me, I never expected to be Team Damon." She swallowed, averting her eyes for the moment. "But I saw you with him." Her voice began to shake. "And I saw you without him. God, Elena, you were…you were." Real tears pooled in her eyes. "I've never seen you like that. And it was all because you'd lost him. You loved him in a way that people just dream about. When you were so bad. So bad." Caroline's eyes looked anywhere that wasn't Elena. "When you were so out of control, you asked me what to do. You asked me if you should have Alaric compel you. And I said yes. I was part of the reason you lost what you had. You loved him so much that you honestly went crazy when he was gone. So, yes, if there's a way I can help you get that back, I'll take it."

The weight of the words finally hit her. It wasn't just what someone told her. Or what Damon tried to convince her. When she'd written the message to herself, she wasn't trying to save herself from some sort of bleak future. She'd been throwing herself a lifeline. She'd been trying to save herself from a blackness that had almost won.

Elena let herself drop back against the headboard of the bed. "I don't understand." Her hand gripped on the spine of the journal in her lap. She picked it up, shaking it in Caroline's direction. "Why isn't there something here?" She flew through the pages, not even flinching when she ripped one. "Why didn't I write about Damon? If I was so in love with him, why isn't it here?"

Caroline took the book from her, gently closing it before Elena ripped it. "Because you didn't write in your journal when you were happy."

"I need to see my old ones." Elena leapt to her feet. "Do you know if any of them made it out of the fire?"

"I don't know. I can check with my mom." Caroline bit down on her lower lip. "Elena, what do you remember about the fire?"

* * *

><p>"And she doesn't remember the fire." Caroline's eyes widened as she stared back and forth between Stefan and Alaric, desperately hoping that this wouldn't be a time Damon decided to make an unscheduled visit to Alaric's office.<p>

"How do you know that?" Stefan leaned forward in his chair.

She was violating her own no-Stefan policy by inviting him to this impromptu meeting, but even she had to admit she was beginning to feel in over her head with the _Elena _situation. "Because I asked her."

Alaric toed his chair from side to side, considering her words. Stefan just sat, adding to the worry lines in his forehead. Neither really seemed ready to jump into the discussion. Part of her wondered if she should have invited Damon after all. "Well, say something."

Silence hung over the room for a few more minutes. Just when Caroline thought she was going to strangle someone, Alaric started to speak. "It makes sense."

"It does?"

Alaric shifted into lecturing-professor mode. "Yeah, it does." He ran a hand over the stubble on his chin. "Damon's the one who told her to turn it off."

"But that's because she was sired to him." Stefan looked unclear on where their conversation was going.

"She was sired to him because she loved him." Alaric turned to Caroline. "What did she remember about the fire?"

"She said my mom never found out what caused it."

"Vague." He nodded. "Again, makes sense. Her memory replaced all the good Damon memories with something else."

"That's a _good_ memory?"

"Well, it was while she was still in love with him."

"So." Stefan spoke slowly, "what exactly does she remember?"

"No idea." Alaric appeared to have aged a decade over the last few minutes. "But I think we have to hazard a guess that she may not remember anything involving Damon correctly."

"That's…a lot of memories."

"Crossing the border didn't work."

"And it seemed like your little coffee shop idea didn't help."

Alaric circled to the front of his desk and leaned back against it. "So what are we going to do?"

Caroline smiled, nodding to herself. "We're going to give her a Christmas present tomorrow. We're going to help her remember."

* * *

><p>Author's note: Yep this one was kind of short, I know. But the last chapter will come tomorrow, and I really didn't want it to be excessively long (and it was approaching 7,000 words). This is the best spot to "break" the two.<p>

I hope you're enjoying the story so far.


	4. Chapter 4

Warnings: mature, alcohol use, Stefan, mild language

* * *

><p>"Oh, there's one last package under here." Caroline smiled gleefully, staring pointedly at the tree.<p>

As her friend began to snake her way under the lowest branches of the tree, Elena took the time to look around the room, studying the faces and wondering if she'd spent the last few Christmases with them. She was well aware of what she'd remembered, but she was equally aware of just how faulty her memory appeared to be. Even with the overwhelming grief that each person in the room told her she'd been enduring, she knew that she'd never planned to loose quite so much of the last three years.

Had they celebrated together? Somehow she doubted this particular group had ever been in one place at the same time. And yet, they were all together now, thanks to the magical barrier that prevented most of them from going home…and those who could exist in Mystic Falls had graciously made the trek to the living room of their dorm at Whitmore that had somehow become their unofficial gathering place.

"Careful, Caroline." Sheriff Forbes caught hold of a glass ball as Caroline's dive for the final present threatened to upset the entire tree.

"I've got it." Tyler jumped to his feet and caught hold of the evergreen before it could come crashing down and give the assembled group a story that would definitely live on in everyone's memories.

From his seat closest to the fireplace, Jeremy barely even cracked a smile. Elena knew he was missing Bonnie. They all were. Caroline seemed to be carefully steering the conversation away from any mention of their absent friend. And even Damon's eyes seemed shadowed by a hint of pain when Matt accidentally mentioned a snowball fight during the Christmas they'd all been snowed in and could only venture out on foot.

That Christmas was one of the memories Elena held most dear. It was the last one she spent with her parents. It was the last one where she really felt like she had a home. It was the last one where all their lives seemed normal.

And now, they'd been left with this.

A family made up of people who were almost entirely alone. Yes, she had Jeremy. And Caroline had her mother. Damon still had Stefan. But they were all just ones and twos with the only blend of three off doing some type of Gemini witch holiday celebration.

So the Mystic Falls refugees had become a family. A family that Elena could never have imagined all those years ago during the snowball fight.

"Let's see." Caroline placed the package on her lap and smoothed the gold-foil wrapping paper, peering past the deep, velvet ribbon in search of the gift tag. Elena had watched Caroline carry that box down. Her roommate was well-aware of its intended recipient. This show was just for all their benefit. "Here it is. Elena! The last gift is yours."

With those words, everyone turned to look at her. She had the strong suspicion that everyone in the room knew exactly what was in the box. Everyone except her. Again.

Elena reached out and took the box from Caroline. Despite the size and the ornate wrappings, it wasn't that substantial of a gift. Honestly, if Caroline hadn't been holding it so gingerly, Elena might have suspected it was some sort of joke. An empty box, maybe something just to decorate the tree.

She looked at the tag. Only her name was listed, but she recognized Caroline's handwriting. "Is this from you?"

Caroline hesitated, her head turning to look at each person in the room in turn. "It's kind of a group gift."

"Yeah." Jeremy nodded, seeming to be part of the group for the first time that night, "open it."

And no one even tried to pretend this was just a casual, holiday gathering any longer. The gift…or whatever was inside the box…suddenly weighed a thousand pounds.

Elena forced a nervous smile. "Let's see." She sliced open the tape with the edge of her fingernail. She peeled back the foil-covered paper carefully, not sure what to expect. "A shoe box?"

"The gift's inside." Caroline's voice held a hint of an annoyed edge.

"I'd hoped so." Elena popped open the last two pieces of tape, almost afraid to lift the cover of the box. It felt like the room was holding its collective breath. She didn't think Stefan had moved since Caroline handed her the box.

And she opened it.

She wasn't sure what to make of it. Inside, she found stacks of notebook paper, each apparently scrawled with different handwriting. "What?" She wasn't sure if she trusted herself to look too closely.

"They're memories." Caroline nodded encouragingly.

"We know that some of yours aren't exactly…accurate." Jeremy took a long breath.

"So Caroline asked us all to contribute one." Alaric pointed at the stack of papers.

Tyler raised an eyebrow and shook his head. He pulled a page from his pocket and tossed it on the top of the pile. "I didn't get the message until late. Sorry. It…kind of sucks anyway."

"Go on. Why don't you read them?" Stefan gave her a smile that suggested a lot more than memories rested on these pages.

* * *

><p>Damon stood and walked out of the room. He'd played along long enough. He wasn't going to just sit there and watch Elena squirm under the pressure of trying to force her to remember things that just weren't there anymore.<p>

He'd tried. He'd already done everything he could to trigger something…anything. Hell, he'd watched Elena almost kill herself in desperation to fix the things she'd chosen to break.

But he'd played along. He'd happily contributed the story of when he and Stefan had gone to save Elena from Elijah and Rose. He figured it would be safer to contribute one where his brother played the hero. She still liked Stefan. She still confided in him. She didn't seem to be in love with him anymore, but she didn't consider him a monster.

That was still reserved for Damon.

"You okay?" Stefan walked in the room with a bottle of bourbon in his hand.

"How do you think I am?" Damon tugged the bottle from his brother's grasp without even thinking twice.

"I think you're putting on a good show."

"Well, thanks. Maybe I'll head to Hollywood and become an actor."

"You wouldn't leave her."

"Why not? You did."

Stefan flinched. Ever since Damon learned that Stefan abandoned Elena, they'd been dancing around this topic. Damon had deliberately avoided it in the effort to preserve family unity. But something about tonight brought the anger to the surface.

"Is that what's been bothering you?" Stefan's lips formed a grim line, and the lines on his forehead deepened to record levels. "Go ahead. Say it."

"You _left _her." Damon had to fight the urge to smash the glass against the wall. "You left _her." _

"I needed to start over, Damon."

"She was alone."

Stefan gritted his teeth together. "I had to leave."

Damon blinked at his brother. Not for the first time, he wondered if he'd ever really known him. "And you don't think I wanted to? When you left with Klaus. I knew what you were probably doing. You don't think that would have been easier?"

"What are you trying to say?"

"I stayed behind because I knew how much she meant to you."

"You stayed behind because you loved her."

"Damn it, Stefan." Damon's glass sailed against the wall, smashing into a thousand sparkling pieces. "I stayed behind to keep her safe. I stayed to make sure you had someone to come home to. I stayed here, and I watched her suffer. I heard her cry. I listened to her sob into her pillow at night. Because of you."

Stefan stood silently, his mouth moved, but no words came out.

"I took care of her because I knew how much she meant to you." Damon lowered his voice. "And, yes, I loved her. But wasn't mine. At least not then."

Before Stefan could answer, the kitchen door flew open, and a frighteningly-angry Caroline faced off with Damon. "Do. You. Mind?" She spat the words with an intensity borne of hours spent planning the perfect Christmas only to be interrupted by a drunk uncle. "Almost every person in that room has supernatural hearing." She gestured back toward the door with a shaking finger. "You will _not _ruin Christmas. Settle your family stuff on your own time."

Appropriately chastised, Stefan turned to return to the party.

Part of Damon wanted to leave. He couldn't stay here any longer. He couldn't pretend to be a part of the celebration. He couldn't act like watching Elena fight the urge to be afraid of him wasn't tearing him to pieces.

But then he heard the words that made him afraid.

"Where did Elena go?"

"She just ran."

"One minute she was holding a page, and the next, she was gone."

Damon was in the room before he even knew what he was doing. He looked between confused faces. He looked down at the page she was reading before she disappeared.

Stefan's handwriting stood out. "_And in those days. The days after you turned. The times when no one else could get through to you. When you felt like you weren't going to make it. There was one person who still made you feel alive._

_Damon."_

And Damon knew where she'd gone. He only hoped he'd get there in time.

* * *

><p>God, she was predictable. Even a mile down the road, he could see her. He had the worst sense of doing this once before.<p>

Once they'd realized Elena was missing, everyone had fanned out – some on foot and some in their cars. The search party wasn't really necessary. He knew where she'd gone.

He skidded to a stop just as her toe crossed the border to Mystic Falls. "Elena." He was yelling before he even opened his door. "Don't do this. It's not worth it."

"Yes it is." She nodded, but her voice didn't have any trace of her old self-martyrdom. This time her voice was clear and full of conviction. "I can't do this any longer. It was a mistake. A huge one."

"Elena, you don't have to remember."

"But I do." Elena rounded on him with a fire he remembered but hadn't seen since he'd been back. "And maybe not even for you. I need this. I can't keep living a life that I don't remember."

"Elena, please don't."

"That's exactly why I have to do it. Right there." Elena's lip trembled. "Because…because I need to know what changed. That night…..you lied to me in the hallway. You didn't tell me the truth about the meteor storm. And that's not the Damon I remember. That's not the Damon who killed Jeremy. And I don't know what happened."

"You happened."

"_We _happened." A tear slid down Elena's cheek. "And I took that away."

"We can happen again."

Elena swallowed. She'd made her decision already. Nothing he was going to say was going to change her mind…just like when she'd jumped into the seat next to him before their little trip into Mystic Falls…just like before it all went wrong. "Promise me." Another tear fell. "Promise me you'll let me decide when to come back. I'm not trying to kill myself Damon, but you have to let me decide when to step back across."

It took every ounce of strength he had to say the next words. "I promise."

"Okay. Now call Ric."

"Ric?"

"Ask him what the memory was. Ask him to tell you which memory changed everything."

His eyes locked with hers, and his life flashed before his eyes. And then he looked down at his phone. By the time he'd looked up, she was across….

Time froze.

He watched her face…as she endured the pain of dying again. "Damn it, Ric. Pick up."

A trickle of water slid from her mouth. He almost broke the phone as he fought the urge to run after her. But he'd promised.

"Damon?" Ric's voice carried into the night.

"What was the memory?"

"What?"

"What memory? Which memory did Elena need to find?"

"Are you with her?"

"Yes, and she's about to kill herself. Which memory?"

"Her birthday. Elena needs to remember her birthday. Tell her to focus on her 18th birthday."

"Elena. What happened on your birthday? Your 18th birthday."

Elena's eyes closed. Her knees started to buckle. Her face went slack as she coughed and choked and spewed more water than a human's lungs should hold. Just when he was ready to break his promise, she lunged across the invisible line, her eyes were closed. She was too still.

He dropped the phone, running for her side.

His hand brushed her cheek, and he almost collapsed too as he heard her slowly take a breath.

"You kept your promise." Her voice was still too hoarse, too raw.

"I almost let you drown."

"No." She sat up, placing her palm against his cheek. Her eyes were chocolate-brown pools of emotion. "You came back to me."

"Does that mean?" He couldn't even manage the words.

"You gave me the necklace. When you knew how much I was holding onto the idea that Stefan would come back to me. When you knew it was the only symbol of hope I had for your brother. That's what you gave me for my birthday. That's when I fell in love with you."

Tears fell down her cheek.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for taking it all away." She pulled her closer to him. Her lips melted into him, her fingers lacing through his hair.

There was no more need for words.

* * *

><p>Author's note:<p>

The story is now complete.

I'd originally posted this story with a longer author's note addressing some of the comments I've received along this story's journey. However, rather than helping with some of the more unique feedback I've received (this one will always be on record as inspiring the most heated PMs in my fan fiction journey, and I never thought I'd be able to top Bittersweet in that regard), it only seemed to make things more difficult.

I apologize that this story has disappointed so many. That was never my intent. If I had 20/20 hindsight…I would have let this one stay in the "plot bunny" drawer.

Thank you to those who've read my works here and in "real" life. I have a lot of myself invested in my stories (as most authors do I imagine). So many of y'all have read all the stories here. Your reviews have meant far more than you'll ever know. Thanks again. It's been a pleasure writing for y'all.


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